Is it always Dark before the Dawn?

Hello Traders,

Even though, over the last 2 months I have been successful as a trader.  I find myself working through a lot of the same problems I have experienced in the past.

Hello I am Bipolar

Hello I am Bipolar

I have been seeking help from a therapist lately, and coming to grips with my mental disorder called Bipolar.  I see life as good and evil, hot and cold, high and low, but I see them at the extremes.

I get to0 high and then I get too low.  I have a history of 2 to 3 day trading setbacks.  Going to therapy has been one of the hardest things I have done in my life.

To come to grips that I have a mental disorder … and my lack of FOCUS is due to ADD.  So not only am I Bipolar I have ADD to top it off!

How wonderful!

I get panic attacks in crowds … I never liked to be in crowds growing up except in a sporting event where the focus is on the field and not on what I perceive is me.

What a nut house I live in … inside my head.  One day I am flying high, and then the next I feel the urge to punish myself for feeling too good about myself.

One day I am doing great trading, and then the next I want to do everything bad to give as much money as I possibly can back to someone else.

They say the first thing is to recognize you have a problem … even if … I didn’t create the problem to start with … it is me that has to live with the ‘crazy’ each and every day.

To be totally honest and brutal is my mission on this trading journal as I do my best not to tear myself up from the inside out.

Honestly, I do not know where I go from here … I have made money … and I have a good trading method and trading strategy.  I have said the operator is at fault and not the trading strategy in the past.

This is a true statement … I am certain a person with a decent amount of focus and self-discipline can make even more money that I could ever dream of in trading.  And I know of people that do … this is my personal battle that I am fighting.

I hope to come out the other end a much stronger individual and trader so I can finally stop the insanity that seems to plague my trading … to be flying high and then to punish myself.

The hot to cold … the love to hate … the extreme high to extreme low … I hope to find a middle place where I can safely operate as I continue to seek help in therapy and control the demons that live inside of me.

Book of Job

Book of Job

Recently, I was reading in the 1st Chapter of the book of Job 1:20-22:

“Job stood up and tore his robe in grief.  Then he shaved his head and fell to the ground to worship.

He said, ‘I came naked from my mother’s womb, and I will be naked when I leave.  The LORD gave me what I had, and the LORD has taken it away.  Praise the name of the LORD.'”

“In all of this, Job did not sin by blaming God.”

What a wonderful passage of complete submission to the LORD God demonstrated by Job.  Likewise, I have decided to give it all over to God.  He has all the power … and as much as I want things to happen a certain way … without the LORD God on my side willing them so I am simply another lost soul.

I have spent the majority of my adult life seeking perfection in trading, and I believe the cost has been too high to learn how to be a day trader.  I know of individual traders who are successful as day traders, but they are few and far between.

The mental discipline these traders go through on a daily basis is about as close to being perfect you can get in this life.  To remain calm in the midst of the storm.  To calm yourself down when all things are screaming at you to abandon ship …

I have seen this demonstrated by traders who have a combat military background sometimes better than any other individual trader.  They have experienced the worse of human nature, and trading is simple as it relates to this human nature.

Jackson Praying

Jackson Praying

I think it would be safe to assume that my personal hero, Thomas J. Jackson (Stonewall) would have been an awesome God fearing trader in his own right, if he was living today.

 

Good Trading,

David ‘Tiger’ Knight

P.S.  So I continue to refine my trading method/strategy and look for the answer … but I believe it is in me … the trading method/strategy is sound … it is the operator that causes the problems.  If you take signals that are not trading signals … you lose your edge … and more importantly lose the war.

 

 

About The Author

David M. Knight

I am a 30 Year Futures and Commodities Trading Veteran. In addition, I enjoy games of skill and chance like: poker, craps, blackjack and roulette. During my professional career, I have developed and implemented successful trading strategies and methods; along with winning systems in games of skill and chance. Join with me on our mutual journey together.